The last two years of my life have been a shit show.
There is a long ass blog post in my archives that explains so much of it, but the timing isn’t right to share quite yet.
Suffice to say, I am just emerging from years of abuse and chaos in my life. The recovery process has been hard and painful, but also sprinkled with positive surprises and joys.
Whether you know me IRL or we connect on social media, I've been hard to find. I’ve been under the radar on purpose. My energy is limited and I am using it to take care of The Kid, myself and to continue to stand up to bullies and wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Part of my recovery process has been taking inventory of who and what is important in my life and how to give more to those people and things, while eliminating energy draining vampires and bull shit.
This is not an exact science.
What I have learned about myself is I have no patience for shady dealings, shenanigans, lying and overall sleight of hand.
I grew up in a fake “happy family.” Everything was smoke and mirrors. Reality was twisted, manipulated and denied. Truth was questioned and smeared. It was like growing up in a home of emotional funhouse mirrors.
Life is too short to have to game it.
As an adult, mother, partner and professional I have no time for others’ twisted dynamics.
Yet, so much in our day-to-day is gamed. Simply calling for wifi service is a marathon in patience and translating double speak. So many businesses and corporations (politicians!) use manipulative tactics to confuse, trick and get over that I, personally, avoid engaging in interactions with them to protect myself from going into a full rage or being conned.
One of the worst offenders of these practices is our healthcare system. Dear god. Do not get me started….
So I have made a vow to myself and my family--no bull shit will be allowed in our lives. We tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable. We respect each other’s truth, no matter how confused it may make us. We own our mistakes and hurts, whether intentional or unintended. We address conflicts straight on. And most importantly, we honor each other’s core selves. No nudging to be someone you are not. No guilt trips. No martyrdom.
This is a steep learning curve for me. When I was a child, I literally hid in closets to avoid being emotionally manipulated. I’m a pretty good gamer of the systems, based entirely on a childhood of using the games to survive in a crazy house and avoid the inevitable shame for being vulnerable and fully myself.
Vulnerability--What’s the Risk?
I’m a quirky duck. The girl who has been told she is “too much.”
Too hard to please.
Too full of myself (as if….)
Expectations too high.
So I tried to fit in. Be less than myself.
And I got hurt. Deeply.
So what is the risk in being fully myself? Could the hurt be any worse? [no.]
My commitment is to be true.
To myself, my son, my partner, my friends, my colleagues, my clients.
My commitment is to practice vulnerability and improve my resilience to shame.
My commitment is to model and teach others to show up honest, true and integrated into their wholeness. I especially want to to this for teens, who are currently thrown into a completely messed up culture of pressure and stress to fit into one box of “success.” (Much more on this later)
Imagine living,loving and working 100% true to you without second guesses, confusion, discomfort.
I’ve been told over and over and over this isn’t possible. That compromises are required (of course), that work can’t be fun (bullshit), that making money has to be hard (nope), and that the public wants to see perfectly curated personal brands (I doubt it).
Let’s try it, shall we?
I’m tired of being defined by others’ needs.
I’m a middle aged mom of a teenage boy. (Really….no time for any other shenanigans, right?)
I have no need to prove my professional merit.
So I’m ready to show up real and build my life around that truth.
This blog is the start.
Here’s to 100% Authentic…..
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I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!